Morning Pages Entry – December 13, 2013

Clearly, I’m in a pissed off mood this morning. Yesterday night in league was not a good ending to the first half of the season for my squash team. It was really, our first legitimate beating of the year. We had pretty much our best lineup on the floor, and still lost 5-0. Sure, there were a few excuses I could make, like Mark was just coming back from a 3 week vacation, and I didn’t actually play, even though I’m our number 5 (although James who played at the number 5 spot is pretty even with me), and we had to play on those shitty Fitness Forum courts, but they’re all just excuses. It was actually a close match then the numbers would reveal. Even though we lost 5-0, we were up 2-0 in two of the matches that we should have won. Mark lost his match in 5 which could have gone either way, but that’s neither here nor there. I still believe that the best thing I can do at the moment, is to fight my way into the top stop on the challenge ladder and stir things up. If I can elevate my play to the level of a number 1, then our team gets so much stronger. I do I can do it. If I keep working at my nutrition, my weight, and my overall health I know I can do it. The nutrition is well on track. I haven’t eaten any processed foods or foods high in refined sugar, in eighteen days now, so I’m feeling that much more confident, that I can carry that streak into Christmas and beyond. Which would be key, to my overall play on the court. Hard to say what my weight is truly at, because those scales in the downstairs bathroom are a bit flaky I believe. I think they totally get stuck at around the 179-180 mark. The scales at GoodLife last week showed me losing a bit more. I do need to get out tonight, and do some weights tonight. I’ve only been once this week, and I haven’t played squash at all due to this crappy ankle that I turned. I haven’t been stepping it up in the pushups category though. Yesterday I think I did 50, but can’t really remember if I did or not. I’ll just have to put myself down for 25 today, but that’s a bit of a guess. Either way, tonight is a good night to hit the weights. The writing yesterday, wasn’t overly productive. I still managed to do in the neighbourhood of 1500 words, but I know that’s still well below what I’m capable of. My goal of doing 5000+ words is quite attainable, I just need to be persistent, determined and not give in to feelings of doubt regarding my ability to become a better writer. Or a good enough writer. If Mr. Geoff Shaw, on my kindling resource site is not full of shit, and that it’s quite possible to achieve a level of success (measured both financially or critically), then I’ll be a happy camper, and that in and of itself will keep me writing. But, it’s the getting to that stage that is the difficult part at those point in my career. Mostly it would seem from a confidence and self belief stand point, which is a first for me and my life. The book I read, “The War of Art”, had some good things to say about that. Basically, circling around the idea, that if you do have an ability within you to be an artist, then that’s when your fear of it . . . fear of failing at it . . . fear of not being good enough at it truly kicks in. It’s saying that you have at least some sort of understanding of the enormisitiy of what it is your trying to accomplish, and what it will take to get there. Those that go in blindly confident, probably have no clue at to what it is they’re up against, so that just helps to fuel their belief. Kind of like the two types of people that decide to just sail off to the caribbean. Either those that or incredibly prepared for the journey, or those, that just have no clue as to what it is they’re getting into. Both have the ability to succeed at the task, but for wildly different reasons. Being caught between those two extremes though, is where I seem to be at the moment. That’s probably the worst spot to be in. I need to move myself into one of them to move on with this. Or just tough it out from where I am. Moving into the actual “having a clue” phase, because moving into the “clueless” would mean un-learning things I already know. And that’s not likely to happen.

LOCATION: home office WORDS WRITTEN: 1448 PUSHUPS: 25 TODO: 3000+ words, weights workout TV: dr. who BOOK: none GAME: none EXERCISE: none WEIGHT: 179 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: chicken wings SNACKS: apple ALCOHOL: wine – 2 glasses BEDTIME: 2:30 am AWAKE: 8:00 am

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