Morning Pages Entry – December 16, 2013

So, here we are rapidly closing in on Christmas day. Only 9 more days, and I haven’t done any Christmas shopping yet. Have a few things I need to get for the kids, but not too much. Then of course something for Karen. I’m really not that much a fan of shopping, but that’s neither here nor there. I do actually like it, I suppose when I can think of the perfect thing for someone, but that seems to happen pretty rarely. Ah well, it’s all part of the time of the year. I actually like this time of the year. The anticipation before the big day, and the expectation leading up to it. That’s always sort of a nice feeling. The wishing for the big day to arrive, and then of course the day itself is always a pretty nice day. It’s the time after it, that can be a bit of a bummer. When everyone goes away that was visiting, and things seem to return to a more normal level of existence. Can be a bit on the depressing side for me. I like the having lots of people around, even if it is a bit hectic and crazy, and some of the people may drive me nuts a bit. I do like having the people around. I’ve noticed, that I’m less happy when the girls aren’t here as much. I noticed it when Jennifer moved out, and with Samantha off to Montreal this past weekend, I felt it again. They make me happy, and I just never noticed it before. I do love them so much, and in spite of how demanding they can be on my time, they do make me very happy. That’s a hard thing for me to find these days, things that make me happy that is. I did watch the lord of the ring yesterday, the first one the fellowship, and there were a few moments in that movie that affected me. The one, where arawen, the elf played by liv tyler takes on Frodo on horseback when he’s sick. I don’t know what it is about live tyler, I mean she’s an ok actress and all, but whenever I see her on the screen, it makes me feel very emotional. That scene from lord of the rings, and at the end of armageddon, where her dad bruce willis sacrificies himself to save everyone, and she’s crying. I want to cry to to, and usually I do. It actually felt good yesterday, watching that scene in lotr, where she says “if you want him, come and claim him!” to the ring wraiths. There’s just something about it, that stirs things inside me. I’m not sure I would feel that way, if another actress performed the part. Anyone, the point being, that I was happy to feel those same feelings watching it. I often feel these days, that I’m devoid of strong feelings for anything. The only thing that seems to stir an emotion in me, is squash league. That desire to win at all costs feels diminished. In some way, I think it’s a good thing, as I don’t get too stressed about my matches, but on the other, I also don’t get that burning desire to win. I used to be able to conjure that win a all costs feeling, but it’s getting harder. Must be a by product of getting older. I’ve always been a bit laid back, and now it seems that I’m getting even more so. I do need to rekindle it though at certain times, like when I’m doing my writing. I need to tap into something to get myself more prolific when it comes to writing. Perhaps, I need to tap into my creativity a bit more. Money doesn’t seem to motivate me much anymore, although, it does a bit. But creativity perhaps is the way to go. I’ve often felt that there is a creative side to me that I need to realease, but was always unsure that I could really do it. I think it would be a more sustainable drive then money, or competition, or pride or anything else inside me, and I think it would last for much longer, once the money and pride thing are satisified. And, the competition thing is always a losing game in the long run. There’s always someone more prolific, more talentet, richer, with more books to their credit. Find that creativity well, and milk it for all it’s worth . . . I think that may truly be the way to be successful at this game.

LOCATION: home office WORDS WRITTEN: 0 PUSHUPS: 25 TODO: 3000+ words, weight training TV: dredd, lotr fellowship of the ring BOOK: none GAME: none EXERCISE: none WEIGHT: 178 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: none SNACKS: orange, grapes, trail mix ALCOHOL: none BEDTIME: 12:00 AWAKE: 6 am & 10 am

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