Morning Pages Entry – July 23, 2014

I’m late writing these words today, as I was trying to put them off, until I did some novel writing. But, it’s been a horribly depressing day. I really don’t understand, why I get this way sometimes, but at the moment I’m horribly stuck in a bad habit of not wanting to write a single word, and I can’t seem to get past it. All my inner critics are screaming at full volume, and there seems like nothing I can do to overcome them. On one hand, I put too much pressure on myself to get some writing done. I keep vascilating between fear of failure and fear of success. Of thinking, that nothing I could possibly write would be any good, and then thinking that it doesn’t matter what I write, just put some damn thing down on paper, but not even having the courage to do that. I’ve tried rationalizing with myself from every which way to Sunday, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. It’s like I’m petrified … frozen in stone, with no which way to turn. No possible action can make a difference, so I do nothing. I need to break out of this … it’s incredibly demoralizing. If I could just bring myself to write something in the novel … anything. Even a hundred words, would work. It would be something. Something to move things along, instead of being so damn pessimestic about the whole mess. I just need to get this third novel out there, and start doing some promoting. Nothing else matters. All the other stupid shit, that you let fill your brain, needs to be purged. I wish I could forget it all. I wish I could just wipe huge chunks of stupid shit out of my head, and only leave the good stuff. Focus on what you need to do for your own welfare. Maybe, it was not writing the morning pages, that sent me into this funk … I don’t know. These words are so easy to write … to myself … about myself. I need to work more of that into the story. Any story. Stop being so pessimistic about everything … it doesn’t help. You know, that if you can just get a thousand words onto the page, that you will feel better. So just fuck it … throw caution to the wind, and write some words. They seem like such a huge barrier to overcome … like a damn mountain. But they’re not. They’re just words. Words, like the ones I’m throwing down now. Writing anything even if it’s awful would be better, then writing nothing. You can always come back to it later and make things better. It’s only a rough draft. It doesn’t need to be perfect or good, or even medicore. Just move the story along. For you own sanity, move the story along. Then longer it takes for you to do it, the harder it will get. So, after I write this journal entry, I’m going to force myself to write write write. Until I get to at least 1000 words … maybe 1250. That would be even better. Just write some damn piece of fiction. Make it horrible, make it great, make it funny, or make it sad. Just whatever you do, put the damn words onto the page. It’s not a big deal, and you can do it over and over again. Start at the beginning of the scene and put it onto the page … it’s fucking simple. It’s like I’m trying to convince about the whole thing here. It’s all true I know, I just need to summon up the courage and creativity to do it. Put the fingers on the keyboard, and create. It’s not rocket science … your good at it. When I go back and read some of my stuff, it does seem good. Not all of it, but some of it does seem to have promise, and when I do that, it makes it seem harder now. Harder to write the next piece. Will the next piece be better, or worse. Probably both. They both need to happen. You need to learn, you need to practice. You need to get through the crappy stuff, so you can get to the good stuff. It’s a process, and you can do it. You have to do it. You need to push on through. Just write the next scene, and see what happens. The words will breed new words, and it’s a hurdle you need to go through, so damn it, just do it.

TIGERBLOOD: who knows DAILYMOOD: lost LOCATION: bayfield boat WORDSWRITTEN: none PUSHUPS: some wall sit TODO: write TV: friday night lights episode 1 BOOK: none GAME: none EXERCISE: walk, sailing WEIGHT: 170 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: none DINNER: chicken, SNACKS: orange, apple, grapes, 2 lara bars, 1 naked bar ALCOHOL: none BEDTIME: 12:00 AWAKE: 3am & 9am


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