Morning Pages Entry – March 12, 2014

Well, here it is, big day 100. That’s 100 consecutive days in a row of writing my morning journal. Even if I haven’t completed nearly enough of my other writing, I can still be a little bit pleased with myself, that I had the staying power, and persistence to continue writing my journals every morning. That’s 750 words every morning for 100 days in a row without a break, that brings me to 75000 words. That’s basically a novel. An unedited, very rough draft of a novel, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it is none the less a novel length piece of work. Pretty cool actually when you think about it. And, given all I’ve learned over the last 100 days about writing, and about myself, I must admit, that these journal pages have been a big part of that discovery. Having a place where I can just go and rant, no matter what the topic is, and be completely honest and forthright, and say whatever the hell I please, without fear of consequences, or criticisim, or condemnation, is an incredibly freeing feeling. I don’t think I would ever miss not submitting these pages. I can’t wait now, to see how much further I can go with this. How many days in a row can I write. Would anyone else ever want to read these pages? Would I ever want anyone else to really read these pages. My kids? My wife? My friends? I don’t know, how I feel about that. They would have to understand, that this is the views of a person totally unfiltered. They can be mean, they can be hurtful, they can be very raw. And, they can be incredibly boring. Even I haven’t gone back and read any pages. At least I don’t think I have. Maybe, I have read the first page after about day 30, but to be honest, I can’t even remember reading it. I suppose, at some point, it would be interesting to go back and read them, but I don’t know if I ever will. The real benefit I’ve experienced is the cathartic release from the actual act of putting the pages down. It’s the actual flow of feelings from my self into another place, where they just sit, that is the best benefit of doing this. Being able to speak totally freely about things, is the best part. Period. Whether or not I read them, is another thing altogether. I think, perhaps, the kids might one day want to read them. I think, that if my father had done journals like these, that I would in fact like to read them now, after he’s gone. As much as I think I knew him pretty well, I’m sure there are sides of himself that he kept hidden and only to himself. And, I think we can all learn from those brutally honest writings. Especially now, that I’ve lived so much more than I had up to the point where he died. He only lived to 61, and myself now at 51, we would almost be considered peers. So it would be interesting to compare his views of life at his age of 51 to my views of life at my age of 51. I suppose, by the time he was my age, I think he had left Helen. We (the boys) were a bit older then my girls, so I suppose, he had actually left her for a while. By the age of 51, he actually may have been living with Joyce by that time. I can’t really remember when that happened. I remember helping him move out, and I was still at home at the time. I didn’t actually move out, I don’t think, till my last year in college. So I probably would have been about 25. I suppose, that would have put him at 48? Let’s see, I was 38 when he died t the age of 61, so that makes him 23 years older than me. So, yes, if I aged out at 21, waited a year, then went back to college at 22, and took 3 years to finish college, then that would have made me 25, and my dad 48. And since, he left the house for good, before I did, then I guess he left my mom before he was 48. It would have been 46 or 47. That’s interesting, I never actually thought about that before, or did the math. Not sure, how I feel about that now. I know at the time, and for a few years after, I wasn’t very happy about it.

TIGERBLOOD: no … mayb a smidge DAILYMOOD: nuetral – apprehensive, karen was stressed LOCATION: home office WORDSWRITTEN: 0 PUSHUPS: 0 – did 1:35 of plank instead . .. sore shoulder TODO: editing, taxes, beds on kijiji TV: greys anatomy, smallville, BOOK: none GAME: none EXERCISE: none WEIGHT: 175 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: pulled pork SNACKS: orange, grapes, apple, mixed nuts ALCOHOL: none BEDTIME: 1 am AWAKE: 9:30

 

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