Arrrgh! Squash is getting on my nerves lately. At least, the competitive nature of it. We lost again as a team last night in league, and it looks like we ended up in 3rd place after our last regular season match last night. We lost 4-1 to the Athletic Club team. Sometimes, I think that while I do like the game, that I need to stay away from the competitive nature of it. At least now, when I’m losing I do. I do often feel that I take it a bit to seriously. Really, I should likely be devoting my energies to another more beneficial pursuits, like my writing and making more money for a change. Squash is just getting too much in my head for my liking these days. It’s becoming a stressful experience all around, and I’m not really enjoying it at the moment. If I was winning, I would be enjoying it I’m sure, but maybe for the wrong reasons. Perhaps defining too much of my self worth from my squash games and how my team does, is not a healthy thing. Sure, I would like to win, but at the moment when your not, it makes me feel like shit, and I don’t like feeling like shit. My self worth, is not defined by my squash game. I need to remember that. Even though I would like to win. This competitive drive, is so getting the better of me these days. I really wish it wouldn’t get to me so much. What am I trying to prove? Don’t know? If I could get to the core of that I could be happier I think. I suppose, it all comes back to the pleasure and pain thing. We want more pleasure and less pain. If winning at squash is pleasurable, then cool, lets do more of that. If squash or squash league in general is painful, the why do I do it? I don’t know, but things in my life are just all confusing and unsure it seems. I feel pretty directionless and lost at the moment. Sure, I should be healthier, sure, I should be richer, sure, I should be something different, but the depression keeps getting the better of me. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling this way at the moment, and it seems to be a constant battle to chase it away. It’s like, I just don’t care about anything. It doesn’t matter, but it does to some people. Lots of people care passionately about stuff. And, some days, I do, but some days I don’t. Stuck in the middle of this oppressively long and cold winter sure isn’t helping things. I would love to get outside more often. Shit, just being able to take a nice walk in the neighbourhood would be a welcome improvement. I hate being stuck indoors for such long periods of time. Yes, I do want to be at the boat, but I want to be there, knowing that my life is in order. That the boat is in order. That I have the money to do the things with the boat I want to. To have a bigger boat. To feel happier when I’m up there. I need to get to that place, I need to care, I need to give a shit about everything. Stop being so depressing. Life is an amazing gift, and every day is a huge bonus. You need to start living life that way. You need to write more. I was happier when I was writing more every day. I need to get my novel organized and published. I need to start getting books out there, and making contact with people, and engaging more with the world. Even if it’s the online world. I need to make things happen for the better. I want to have a voice, a say in what goes on around me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and around my own family, and in the choices that I make, and where I go, and what I do. It’s time, to really start living, and doing something that makes me feel . . . good! Makes me feel good. Yes, wouldn’t that be nice for a change. Right now, I need to eat well, sleep well, play well, love well, and live well. I’m not getting to all those things, and I really don’t know how it got away from me, but I do know, that I need to get it back.
LOCATION: home office WORDSWRITTEN: 0 PUSHUPS: 30 TODO: editing TV: greys anatomy BOOK: none GAME: enslaved pigsy dlc EXERCISE: squash league WEIGHT: 174 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: none SNACKS: orange, grapes, apple, mixed nuts, nacho chips ALCOHOL: none BEDTIME: 1:45am AWAKE: 8 am