Morning Pages Entry – November 21, 2013

OK, so here I go. I’m not really sure where to start, but I suppose I already have. Given the rut I’ve been in of late, I’m really hoping that taking up this exercise of morning pages will get me out of it. I mean, my business has been in a horrible dump for the last year and longer actually, and I’m kind of running out of options of what to do next. This whole wrting books seems like a great idea, and it definitely seems to fit with me as a person, but I can’t seem to get my ass in gear with regards to it lately. It started off pretty simple over the summer on the boat having a few days where I could write at least a thousand words or not more. One day I managed over 2000 words, which actually didn’t seem all that hard at the time. I liked the creative aspect of it, but sometime along the way, it all started to seem like too much. Like writing a novel, or several novels was more then I was capable of. Like, I really wasn’t artistic, or creative enough to take on such a task. Part of me believes, that I can really do a decent size novel a month, but part of me says it can’t be real, that there’s really no value in doing something like that. But, what else am I going to do with my time/life at the moment. I think my Dad would have really loved the opportunity to be a writer, and it does seem these days, that there is a tremendously wide open opportunity to become a writer with e-publishing. So many people have made a go of it, and become incredibly successful with it. Both financially and creatively. It definitely has the potential to be a life changer, and while it can be encouraging to see how well others have done, I must admit to getting a little sick of reading about the success of others. Not sure if that makes me a bad person, as I really think it’s the part of me that won’t let me get started that hurts the most. It’s like this huge roadblock. I don’t know if it’s writers block, fear of success, fear of failure or something else that keeps me from even trying, but I’d really like to get over it. I truly hope starting these morning pages will get me moving in the right direction. I was pretty excited when I read about them last night, and how they help so many people overcome their writers/artistic blocks. I laid awake most of last night, and part of this morning thinking of all the things I would say in them. It’s a bit hard to be honest about writing these pages, even though I’m not supposed to show them to anyone . . . but ever? Part of me wants to show them to others, to express to others how I really feel, but that’s a bit scary. I should warn anyone that starts to read these perhaps after I’m dead, or even more frightening if I’m still alive, that these are totally uncensored and unfiltered thoughts. To those I love, they could seem incredibly sad or hurtful, but please know, that it’s not my intentions. I’m at a time in my life, when I need a bit of therapy, and honesty with myself if I’m to move forward. I’m going to try and be as honest as possible when I write these words, as difficult as that may be. So, be sure you have a thick skin if you really know me or are a member of my family. I don’t mean to be cruel to anyone, I just want to try and heal my self. Feelings are difficult and complicated, for anyone, as we don’t show them to many (if anyone) in the real world. It would be nice if I could, but I don’t really feel there’s anyone I can say these kind of things to without hurting feelings. Anyway, enough about that, you’ve had fair warning. While I think, if I can stick with these exercises for long enough, it will become habit, I really like that idea. I’ve started so many of these sorts of things in the past, and just not stuck with them. I’m going to commit at the moment however to do this for at least 30 days. Many people say, that it becomes a sort of addiction after that, and definitely, that would be a good thing for me. I have so many bad addictions at the moment, that having a healing one would be so good for me. I truly owe that to myself. I remember reading one’s person experience about writing morning pages, and how it changed her life, she lost 40 pounds, got out of a bad marriage, and started a new career. That sounded amazing. Let’s hope I can accomplish something similiar. Well, I think I’ll stop there for today. I’ll be back tomorrow.

ALCOHOL: 0 drinks LOCATION: Basement Office TODO: Restore websites from LunarPages, write 1000+ words of novel TV: Supernatural, Dr Who BOOK: none EXERCISE: none WEIGHT: 183 lbs BREAKFAST: Bacon & Eggs LUNCH: none DINNER: none SNACKS: dark chocolate almonds, nachos, peppermint chocolate paws, s&v chips BEDTIME: 1 am AWAKE: 11 am (woke up at 5:30 to drive Sam for swimming)

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