Tag Archives: dreams

Morning Pages Entry – July 01, 2014

I’ve learned a while ago now, that being motivated by money no longer works for me. I need to do something that makes me feel right. And at the moment, writing seems to be about the only that that fills the void. I mean, it just so fits into the rest of my life, and as I think back over the years of my life to the things that have made me feel good, it was always the creative stuff that I really enjoyed. And for some reason all these years, I’ve turned away from that path. Not really sure why. If for some reason it just seemed like I never considered it a worthwhile endevour. Or something, that could make money for me. I always wanted to make more money it seems. And now that I think about it, there was always tension in our home growing up when it came to money. I think, that’s likely one of the things that always motivated me in my career choices. I have to wonder how things would have turned out, if I had moved more in that direction. But, I always thought it was just a losers journey to go down that path. That there was no future in it, and that I would never have a stable income. I know a lot of the drum corp people went down that path, and I suppose some of them made a go at it, but a lot of them couldn’t. I suppose, I could have went down the journalistic side of writing or something similar, and that would have at least been a bit more fufilling. I mean, look at how many in our family went down that writing career sort of thing. Dave and Mark were english majors, Tim was an english major … maybe it was in the family blood all along. I have liked the technology thing, but more the creative applications of the technology, like gaming for instance. I always thought I wanted to be a games creator. To be able to create that ultimate world you could escape to and make exactly like I wanted. It could be the perfect world, that I always wanted to live in. As a little kid growing up, and being socially awkward for certain years of life, it’s nice to think, that you can create a perfect world to live in. So, why not do it through the writing thing? It’s something that I used to like to do as a little kid. You can create whatever kind of world and people that you want to. The trick, is to learn how to do it all in an effective way. Anyways, enough babbling for now. I missed my paddle boarding this morning, but maybe tomorrow I’ll get out and do some. If it’s calm enough on the lake, maybe, I can get out on the lake, instead of just down the river. Then, I can try a little bit of yoga perhaps on the board. See if I can remember any of the p90x yoga workout. Probably should be able to remember some of it. So, let’s see if I can get a bunch of words done tomorrow. As much as I would like to get the transcribe thing working, I may be stuck doing the things just by typing. I can get 5K words done in a day, and for sure, that would be pretty cool. The thing is, do I want to do the paddleboarding first, or the writing first. It makes sense to do the paddleboarding first while the lake is calm. Assuming of course, that it is calm. If I could paddle board from say 6:30 till like I start writing at 8:00 then, I could still have 5K words done by noon. And, writing out here is great, because all the stupid distractions from home aren’t around.

TIGERBLOOD: sure DAILYMOOD: good LOCATION: boat bayfield WORDSWRITTEN: none PUSHUPS: none TODO: enjoy the day TV: none BOOK: none GAME: none EXERCISE: paddleboarding WEIGHT: 170 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: none SNACKS: orange, grapes, 2 lara bars ALCOHOL: 2 beers BEDTIME: 11:00 AWAKE: 8:30

Morning Pages Entry – June 06, 2014

Sometimes, I think that being less serious and just proceeding with the task at had would be a real advantage. Right now, I seem so unfocused and worried about how good the writing will be, that I’m not getting anywhere with it at all. I haven’t added nearly enough as I had hoped in terms of word count to my existing novel, and it goes to the editor on Monday. Today is Friday, and I’m stuck going to another useless swim meet for Samantha and Jessica. And, we have to go today as Sam swims in the evening session. And, I have to deal with all those food shit for the whole30 thing that we are doing. It’s a serious pain in the ass, and it’s sucking up too much of my time. I need for my writing to me like oxygen. I need for it to be something I want to do more then anything. Right now, I’m scared of it. I’ve got to stop being scared of it, and just embrace it, like it’s a long lost friend. Just do the work, and make the stuff up. Make things happen, do the outlines, fill in the blanks, and write the gory details. How many times do I have to have these kinds of conversations with myself? I want so much for the first books to be out there, that it’s driving me crazy. I need to burst that bubble and make things start to happen. I need a little bit of that pressure from readers to entice me into writing more often. Other authors talk about how having excited readers motivates them. I’m really tired, of reading about the success of others, knowing I’m so close to putting something out there, and not having any of that success. I need to make this happen. It’s important to me. But, don’t make that importance so big, that it gets the better of you. You want this to be something you enjoy doing, and I think you can get there, a little bit at a time. So write, and write, and write. Stop worrying about it being perfect. Just do the best you can and move forward. If you don’t get the stuff out there, then you’ll never know what it could have been. The rewards are huge, and the potential is there. You just need to stop being so scared of it, and don’t worry about perfection. You’ll never achieve it … you can get closer to it, but that’s all about the journey. Trying and trying and trying … therein lies the challenge. You have total control over everything. That’s the beauty of the whole thing. Relax, and have fun with it. It’s better then anything else you can do right now. Better than reading, better than movies, better than games. It’s your own world. Go and create it. Inhabit it. Make it beautiful, and make it ugly … make it everywhere you want to go, and all the things you want to run away from. Pour yourself into it, and if you do that enough times, people will be drawn to it … it’s inevitable. People are drawn to passionate creations, especially readers. It’s what the human condition is all about. So, just be true to that, and spill your guts all over the keyboard as your writing, and it will lead you places you never dreamed you could go. Not just materialistically, but spiritually as well. Throw your self onto the page (screen?), and see what the rest of the world does. Some will stomp all over it, others will sing your praises. None of which really matters, as the writing is an exercise in and of itself. It is self expression, and creation at it’s purest. It’s the only real reason for being alive, and the one place, that you can never run out of elixir. Let it fuel you … let it make you a better person … let it fill you with hope and fear and wanting for more. What else can give you that sort of payback. It will fill your soul and your bank account. It’s what you need to be a more complete person. It’s what you’ve always needed, and the time has never been more right for someone like you to make that mark. Turn aside the spectors of fear that haunt, they have no place in your mind, and fill yourself up with what you need. Do the work … be the work, and live.

TIGERBLOOD: yep sure DAILYMOOD: hisitant LOCATION: home office WORDSWRITTEN: none PUSHUPS: 4:00 plank TODO: write, drive, cook, swim meet TV: Dear Mr. Waterson, Prophets of Science Fiction, Writers Room BOOK: It Starts With Food GAME: 2048 EXERCISE: none WEIGHT: 169 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: salmon patty, sweet potato SNACKS: grapes, cashews, 1 bite of pork ALCOHOL: none BEDTIME: 12:00 AWAKE: 6:45


Morning Pages Entry – April 22, 2014

I’m not sure what the deal is these days with dreams about planes, but I had another one last night. That’s two in a row. This one was odd, in that I was driving a car over a mountain top that had really nice scenery, but it was very difficult to keep the car on the road. There where actually like these two grooves on either side of the road, and I kept the car on the road, but keeping my fingers in the grooves. The really wierd part, was that I was driving the car while flying in the plane. I was a passenger in the plane, and I’m not sure how I managed to drive the car at the same time, but I did. It was difficult to keep the cars on the road at the time though. There was another plane related dream last night as well. Not sure if it was a totally seprate dream, or just another chapter in the same dream, but we were like in this big plane parking lot. And there were all these fighter planes (red I think), that were kinda small and stubby, but they were all launched by these elaborate elastic band type launching mechanisms. I think a single person could actually launch them. Which was all sort of cool and things for a while, as they launched about a dozen planes, but then the planes all started crashing back into the parking lot, where a bunch of us were standing. They were smashing into walls, and each other, while narrowly missing us, as we were running around, trying to stay away from them. Eventually, we all just ducked inside. Pretty bizarre dreams, and I don’t know what my minds obsession is with planes the last few days, but there you go. So, in my quest to get the novel edited, I’ve lined up Dave and Mark, to pitch in, but I’ve also gotten side tracked now at the moment, with the Critique Circle website. I do think, I need to submit some words to that site, and see how it goes. I should throw in a few thousand words and get some feedback. I did a bit of reading on some of the submissions, and think I have some idea of how to give feedback. I suppose, it’s really just a matter of telling someone what you thing of their story. I wouldn’t feel comfortable about the grammar side of things, unless I see something that is blatant. But, I could certainly comment on sentences that are worded awkwardly, and bits of story telling, that work or don’t work. It would be good for me to critique others (at least that’s what a lot of other writers say), in that it improves your own ability to tell stories. Plus, it gets your work out there in a non threatening way. I should clean up about 3000 words, and put it out there. It would really be good go have some feedback about all the stuff I’ve written. I’m a little bit nervous about it, but it’s a good way to get your feet wet I think. You can let others see your stuff, but do it in a safe place. One where it doesn’t matter if it’s bad. I think today, that is what my focus will be. Getting at least 3000 of my first few words out there, and see what everybody thinks of them. All the critiques won’t be helpful, but hopefully enough of them will be. And, maybe you’ll do enough networking with potential other writers, to find a few partners to help you down this path. That could be invaluable. Some real critique partners for future writing endeavours. Yes, the goal today, will be to critique someone else’s work, and to get one example of your work out there. Not sure how long it will take for it to get enough critiques, but it’s definitely worth giving it a go. Shouldn’t take me all that long to do. I should also mention, that today is day 53 without eating any refined sugar, or process foods, or junk food. There has been some alcohol. A few glasses of wine, and one apple cider with Gold Schlanger in it, but that’s it. That’s a pretty successful number of days to go. My wieght is still around 170. I would certainly, like to get that down. I need to be more consistent, I think in doing my walks. That would get me down to my goals weight of 155. I’m really curious, as to what I would look like at that weight.

TIGERBLOOD: yep DAILYMOOD: good LOCATION: living room WORDSWRITTEN: editing PUSHUPS: 2:00 plank TODO: publish on critique circle TV: game of thrones, sons of anarchy BOOK: none GAME: Mickey Mouse Castle of Illusions EXERCISE: none WEIGHT: 171 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: hamburger patty, carrots SNACKS: orange, grapes ALCOHOL: none BEDTIME: 11:00 AWAKE: 6:30


Morning Pages Entry – April 21, 2014

I had a really bizarre dream last night. I was trying to catch a plane out of some airport, but the lady at the ticket counter didn’t think I had a real boarding pass. My boarding pass looked like my drivers license, and she didn’t think it was real. Not until I convinced her to look at all the other Canadian boarding passes, and she realized they all look exactly like mine, except that mine said Ontario, and all the others had different provinces names like New Brunswick. Then she decided to let me board the plane, but it was too late, and even though I tried running for the plane, I missed it. I was so mad in the dream that I had missed it, it woke me up, and I was till mad. I was so mad when I was awake, and it seemed so real, that I wanted to punch the ticket lady. Pretty bizarre. Don’t think, I’ve ever had a dream wake me up like that. Weird. So, I suppose, that I should get back to writing some time soon. Although, I think I am learning quite a bit from just editing my work. How, I’m somewhat ambiguous an non-committal in my writing. I use words like “partially” and “a bit” quite a lot. I need to start just saying what it is, and not use those words. I also tend to write a lot of run on sentences, which I do in these morning journal pages as well. Just a few things I need to work on. I would, also like to submit some of my writing to the “Critique Circle” website that I joined. That’s an interesting idea. I just have to critique a few other pages, to get credits, so that people will critique my pages. That would likely be good practice as well. Although, not sure what I would have to add. Although, I may not have many technical points, I could critique stories from the stand point of what I liked and didn’t like. Any obvious things, that I thought didn’t work. I need to keep in mind, that any feedback from individuals is going to be highly subjective, and to not get too hung up on what specific individuals say. Although, it would be worth watching for similar comments from different people. If a bunch of people are telling you the same stuff, then there’s likely some truth to it. And, critiquing other peoples work, has to be good practice as well. Something, that will only serve to improve your own writing. Also, on the weekend, I found a good learn to draw website. It looks like they use some of the techniques in that “Learn To Draw” book, that I remember David using a few years ago. Like, drawing things upside down. I’ll have to go and get my drawing books out, that Sam and I were using years ago to practice. Not sure, if I have all the pencils still, but I might find them if I go digging around. It would be super cool, if I could create my own book covers from scratch. That would indeed be pretty awesome. Exploring all areas of artistic creation would be really cool. I’m a bit worried, about the time it would take to acquire skills in each area, but I do believe it would be very fulfilling work for me. I have a hard time, thinking about anything else I could do work wise that would be as fufilling. Definitely a goal worth shooting for. So, today is Easter Monday, and nobody else is going to school or work today, so I have a house full of people milling around in my space. I suppose, I can manage that for one day. I suppose, that Karen will still likely be hanging around tomorrow as well. Although, maybe not. It would be nice to get the house back to myself, after having these guys hanging around for the last four days, counting Good Friday. Something to look forward to. I could practice, the drawing stuff in the afternoons after I’ve done my 5000 words of writing. I do need time to do some plotting as well. Plotting, editing, and drawing would be good ways to spend the afternoons. And I do think, it’s worth investing some time on the critique circle website. Feedback on my writing at this early stage in my career would be invaluable. Maybe something to do, before I spring my work on Mark & David.

TIGERBLOOD: yes DAILYMOOD: good LOCATION: living room WORDSWRITTEN: none PUSHUPS: none TODO: edit TV: none BOOK: none GAME: none EXERCISE: walk 30 minutes WEIGHT: 171 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: none DINNER: ham, carrots, brocolli salad, SNACKS: orange, apple, 2 lara bars, almonds ALCOHOL: apple cider, gold schlanger, wine BEDTIME: 11:30 AWAKE: 7:00


Morning Pages Entry – April 20, 2014

So, it’s Easter Sunday here, we have the family coming over later today, and I didn’t buy beer . . . oops. That’s a strange thing to think about first thing in the morning, but that’s just the way my brain is working this morning. I’m not sure if the beer store is open today or not. Will have to check. And, yes it’s true, that I don’t have anything to write about this morning, so things are pretty desperate. Let’s see. Yesterday, I did some timing for a swim meet at Western’s pool, and walked home in about an hour. I haven’t done that in a long time. Not, since I used to work at the university. I thought back then, it took me about an hour and a half to walk home, but maybe not that much. I cut through that new subdivision on the old Lawson estates property yesterday, which may have saved my some time. Not sure. Maybe I just walked faster. So, what to write about today? Feeling a little bit anxious about some things that need to get done. Like, getting the boat ready for launch. I suppose, I should just get out there, and do some stuff to get it ready for starters. Like the usual painting and putting the tarp away. That’s no big deal really. I could do that stuff anytime. Oh, and yesterday, I got a bit nostalgic, and played a bit of StarCraft, after finding the old discs and installing it on my desktop. That’s still a pretty good game. I should see, about buying StarCraft 2. I’m sure, I could get it pretty cheap these days. I didn’t see it on Steam though. Might actually have to buy the discs. I got hooked into watching a few videos on Blizzard the company. It reminds me of a dream, that I used to have for making games, back when I started college. I just wasn’t around the right people, and didn’t know enough about how it all worked to do it myself. I still remember, sitting down one of the hallways at Lambton College in my first days there, and writing down a story outline for an adventure game. I really, at the time didn’t know that the computer course I had signed up for was boring old business shit. I didn’t put a lot of thought into my future at the time. I just figured, that I would need some sort of an education. If I had been more aggressive about things, I would have ended up at the computer science program at Western university, and things would have been wildly different. But my whole life would have changed, and I’m not sure I would have liked that. I love most of my life, it’s just I wish the career path I went down would have been different. I never really liked any of the jobs I had very much. They were always just a way to make money. I was never passionate about any of them. The writing I’m doing now, could be the first real work I’ve done my entire life, that I’m passionate about. Assuming of course, that I can get past these early stages, and get good at it. Good enough, that I really enjoy it. I certainly, do like the idea of it all, and there are moments, when I truly get lost in the adventure of it, but I don’t feel that a lot. Not yet. I think, if I spend a bit more time on character and world back story building, then it would get pretty good. Right now, I feel what I’ve written, is almost all plot driven. There’s not a whole lot of character or world building going on. So, the story feels a little flat . . . emotionless. That’s something that needs to be worked on. That’s something that could be better for both the reader and me. I think, it would be sort of fun to do world building. I should learn how to draw as well. That would be pretty cool. Then you could create your own totally unique covers. Learning how to draw, would be one of those life things that would be nice to learn how to do. Like playing the guitar. All those artistic outlets, would be cool to add to your repertoire of talents. But, drawing could be practical as well. Imagine being able to create your own book covers from scratch, with no stock images. Totally cool. Then you could even move into some 3D graphics stuff on the computer. Another thing you’ve been interested in, and wanted to get good at. Maybe that could get you into a game creator mode sooner then you think.

TIGERBLOOD: yes DAILYMOOD: good LOCATION: living room WORDSWRITTEN: none PUSHUPS: none TODO: reading, buy beer TV: The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty BOOK: none GAME: StarCraft EXERCISE: walked 1 hour WEIGHT: 171 BREAKFAST: bacon & eggs LUNCH: big ass salad DINNER: pulled pork SNACKS: orange, grapes, 2 lara bars ALCOHOL: none BEDTIME: 12:30 AWAKE: 8:00